your. SMILE(:

Sometimes, I think I'm just plain self-conscious. Too much of that actually, and too little self confidence. Yeah, Ha Ha right? Seems to think that a lot of people think i have a lot of self confidence. Okay, I do have confidence when I talk, or present this and that. But other areas of my life, I really feel that I lack serious self-confidence. From what i remember from my life, I wanted to do a lot of things, but somehow the low self confidence which I have just forbids me. I just sort of give up first already. There's a lot of things i want to and need to excel in. Not only academic wise, but also sports wise, and others wise. It sucks when you're stuck in a CCA, knowing you would never be good in it. It sucks when you know you can do well in your studies, but everyone around is so effing smart and good, you just feel all damn demoralised when you look at your own. It sucks to see myself deproving. I played basketball today, and damn myself, out of like 10 shots i aimed, only maybe 3 got in? It used to be like 8 in 10. Yeah small thing, but it just makes sense when you see the big picture. A small thing can make me realise a lot of things. It sucks that when singing is my life, and i really love singing, and i really really really think i can sing better than average, at least good enough. It's like out of the little capabilities I have, it's one of those that I'm really proud of. I want to sing. Better. Better than now. But, I don't know music. I mean, I actually can't read music you know? I don't take piano, I don't go for any music lessons. And then about 2 years ago, my mum asked if i want to be enrolled in any music school. I mean even my cousin went into a music school for singing lessons. But I have to admit I sound better than her. I mean seriously. But then, I said no to my mum. And why the hell did i do that? Because i know that, even if i say i want, she won't even. We're not even rich. I don't know. Maybe if i had push a little, just go for it, and not give up so easily. I would have known music, I would have sing even better than now. It sucks that I have no extra 'special', or whatever you call them, lessons. People have private lessons like what? Archery? Singing? Swimming? I've got none. Okay, i can swim well for long distances, but only in breast stroke. i can't even swim free style. Why? Because i learnt swimming from my dad, not from any lessons. i've got like no certs or anything. It's really very depressing. And when our teacher ask for certs for any outside activities/talents. Everybody around me had something to show. I've got nothing. Know how demoralised i felt? i'm too self conscious, so much that i hate myself for it. I know i shouldn't be like that, because it's not really healthy, but it's just all natural for me to be, like that you know? Just like when i was in primary school, i represented my school for debate, but when it comes to the part where you voiced your own opinions, I was like almost silent throughout! Why? Because i was scared to make a mistake, scared that what i say will be irrelevant, I'm so damn scared, I'm so damn it self-conscious. Self consciousness gets in my way, and so does afraid of making mistakes as well. People around me thinks I'm a strong/hard girl. But fact is, if you are fierce, or more intimidating, I'll just be afraid to be around you. i will look/sound/be awkward around. Has anyone ever ever noticed that whenever people around me are more outspoken, and all, I'll just be like not myself, I'll tone myself down. I don't know why, but i think i'm more or less useless. So what if i got stamina? So what if i can run in long distance? Why do i get the feeling that people thinks i'm just this boastful egoistic person? Esp from this one person, her look is so damn intimidating, and it's obvious that she doesn't really like me. And i hate it whenever i ask a question, or talk to her, she'll just look at me with that no emotion look, and then turn away? It makes me want to slap her hard.

Okay. I shall stop. I'll just rant out today, and the next thing you know, I don't really care anymore, and I'll be her frnd again. Because, I can't be angry for long. Maybe I should for once, do something for myself. And by that i mean, really go all the way out, and do well in that thing(s) i want to excel in. And then, i'll be more like what I am in primary school, because that's where I really am confident of myself, where I can be more like myself, and excel in the things I do.